i don’t even know how to write anything without footnotes anymore

I’m at a point in my… semester. I was going to say “life,” but god, that sounds way too grandiose for the half of the sentence following it. I am not in any position to make overarching statements about transitioning periods of my life while I’m still living them! Heavens! That’s historical analysis, man, you can’t do that until sufficient time and space stand between the moment and the transition to remove the most crippling of the bias. “Transition” is a dangerous label, too– what if it isn’t?? What if every prolonged bout of ~feeling~ isn’t a transition? What if I’m embarrassed in six weeks when this has passed and nothing’s actually changed but the mood I thought was so indicative of Something Greater?

….uh. That first sentence was actually going to be, “I’m at a point in my semester where I don’t feel like I have a lot to say.”

But it’s true! I don’t! There are a lot of meaningful and interesting words out here on this wide internet, and these past couple of weeks, I just haven’t felt like I have anything to contribute to them. It’s not a bad feeling in the slightest – it’s almost relaxing, getting to sit and watch and listen as everyone else is meaningful and interesting. There’s no pressure to join them. But the act of sitting down and trying to think of something meaningful and interesting to say produces no results right now; or at least, nothing I’ve thought of so far feels meaningful and interesting enough to take the time to flesh out.

I have this idea that my blog posts needs to declare something to count. That, if they start with a question, they need to end with a conclusion. Maybe it’s yet another manifestation of the looming power of academia over my existence – why talk about something I don’t fully understand? What is there to say before I’ve done the research? I’m working on my capstone (historical analysis of American Indian property law and its effects on modern reservation poverty) and my thesis (the cultural context of the Old Swedish translation of an Old French romance in 1303), and while it is definitely some worthwhile and interesting shit, it also involves about three hours of involved research for every hour spent actually writing something.

That’s hard to break out of! I was going to write my post on angels this weekend, but– well, okay, first, time got away from me (was taken away from me, by the aforementioned capstone and thesis, honestly), but also I realized how many feelings about the topic I have, and how little actual background. It’s a blog, I know, that’s fine, no one’s asking me to write another capstone in this space. But somehow it didn’t feel entirely worth saying if I wasn’t going to say it as well and as meaningfully as possible. Often there’s something I can bullshit in the interim, but this week – these past few weeks – for some reason it didn’t happen.

The nice thing about these pseudo-transitions, at least, is that they aren’t in any way painful, but they tend to lead to good things. Shutting up is a good feeling, sometimes! Stepping back and listening. I’ve been reading more, and more attentively. I have a few weeks now to write my thesis, to prepare to present my capstone, and by that time, I think I’ll feel more confident in what I’m saying. Until then: Apologies! I know these obligatory posts have been looking like cop-outs. They aren’t! I promise!! Stay tuned! Great things could maybe, possibly happen.

Until then: Here is a good song.

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